When I was a freshman in college, I got drunk, deliberately drunk. Just to see what all the fuss was about. And while I was still drunk, I ended up walking across campus and encountering a group of young men who attacked and raped me.
I don't remember much of that night. I have vague memories of being pushed around from guy to guy; then being thrown to the ground and hitting my head on concrete. I have another memory of trying to escape down a flight of stairs and feeling someone grab me from behind and pull me back up. And that's it. That's all I remember.
I know the rape happened. The physical evidence was obvious. My body was covered in bruises; my arms, my legs... my inner thighs. But I don't remember the actual rape. Nothing. Just those few images in my head; of events that must have occurred either before or after the rape. Nothing of the rape itself.
I know the rape happened. I went from being a virginal goody-two-shoes, to being carelessly promiscuous. I went from being somewhat shy and standoffish, to actively seeking out sexual partners. I went from flinching away from touch, to using my hands and my body to seduce men into fucking me. Using men one after another to try and prove something to myself. But I never remembered what that first sexual experience felt like.
I know the rape happened. But I don't really know. How can I know what really happened if I can't remember it? What happens when you know that something is real, even as your brain refuses to acknowledge its existence? What happens when you can't resolve the conflicts within your own thoughts and behaviors. What happens when your own mind denies what it believes?
You begin to doubt your memory. You begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt reality.
I know/don't know the rape happened. How can I know if I was really raped? How can I know if I really am the person that I believe I am? How can I know what is real?
When I no longer know what reality is.
Reality is like fiction. It is how someone decides to interrupt it.
ReplyDeleteI feel you confusion regarding life in your rape. It is one of the hardest things. You know it happened. But because of the lack of memory you doubt your knowingness and stumble through that weary road of unknowingness. I don't know if you are lucky just doubting yourself or remembering every hit, punch, thrust, comment, feeling you were having, guilt, shame... At times I wish I could be like you and know it happened but not KNOW it happened.
If that makes any sense.
Great post.
Our mind can be a wonderful protector and yet a horrible help. Working through the reality of rape is hard enough, when you KNOW it happened but every other thing in the moment has overshadowed the act itself is horrifying. The mind in an instant captured forever the information you needed to know it happened without bringing forth the act to the forefront of your memory. As a victim of rape and childhood sexual abuse sometimes I wish I didn't have the memories. But without those I would not know why I did a lot of what I did back then. Like you I was very promiscuous hoping to replace the memories of the past.
ReplyDeleteGiving you a HUGE hug and telling you how PROUD I am to have met you